Clandestine Mason Wants to Become Regular; Doctor Prescribes Ex-Lax Regimen

Detroit, MI–a Detroit native was hospitalized last week due to severe dehydration he suffered, reportedly in the name of Freemasonry. Larry Schulter-Meier, a member of Whackadoodle Lodge No. 9, International Free and Accepted Modern Masons, Inc., told The Past Bastard that all he wanted to do was become a regular Mason. Instead, his doctor misunderstood and prescribed him a heavy regimen of ex-lax: “So I was trying to go visit a lodge on the other side of town. I showed them my dues card and they told me I couldn’t come fellowship because I wasn’t ‘regular.’ So I went to my doctor and he fixed me up.”

Mr. Schulter-Meier was released from the hospital after receiving intravenous fluids, but declined to continue his medication, citing: “…if this is what being a regular Mason is all about, then I don’t want none of it.”

-Dionysius Bacchus III

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