Damascus, OH — Explaining that they no longer want to be considered “the poor man’s Shrine,” the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, informally known as the Grotto, has been busy making some fundamental changes to their organization.
“We have a new official motto that’s going to be going up on billboards and bumper stickers: ‘All the tassel and none of the hassle’,” said spokesman Ken White, “although we also have an unofficial motto that we’ve kept to ourselves: ‘All the Fez and none of the bullshit.’ Please don’t print that, okay?”
White said that the mottoes reflect the new mission of the Grotto. Long thought of as the red-headed stepchild of the appendant bodies, the Grotto is trying to look more relevant to younger, and less affluent Masons by giving the fact that they do not have the resources of the Shriners a new spin.
“Guys get tired of coming into an organization, getting hit up for a few hundred bucks in fees, dues, pins, and all that stuff, and on top of it getting hit up for even more money every time they come to a meeting. We want to be the ‘anti-Shriners:’ Come down, have a good time, and we won’t hassle you for money every week.”
When asked about continued support of their current charities, White confessed that he wasn’t exactly sure which charities were currently being supported, but promised to look into it. “It’s not just the charities that will be cut back,” he said, “but we’re also not going to bug you about joining the side things. Nobody is going to have to buy bagpipes, little cars, or dress like clowns. Most younger guys today just don’t want to be involved in that kind of thing, and I don’t blame them. I just want to relax with the guys, and enjoy a scotch and cigar or some beer and pizza.”
-Conte Calvino Gliostro