Axis, AL — Investigators may have discovered the reason behind the recent spate of acts of lodge vandalism across the state. Over the past two months, lodges across the state of Alabama have been vandalized by unknown parties smearing donuts, pizza, and other forms of junk food across lodge door handles and other parts of the building, and on Wednesday, investigators found the source: a misinformation campaign enacted by the fraternity’s own members.
John Wayne Newton and Newton Wayne Johnson, both members of Horizontal Lodge No. 179, had reportedly been reading news stories about actors who had vandalized mosques and synagogues by splashing pig’s blood on the steps or leaving uncooked bacon on the door handles–pork being viewed as an “unclean” animal not fit for consumption according to both religions. In light of the recent spate of acts of lodge vandalism across the US, the brothers embarked on a misinformation campaign on Instagram and Facebook to spread the rumor that Freemasons abhorred junk food to as many people as possible.
Their plan paid off when members of local independent Baptist churches–many of whom consider themselves to be fundamentalist Christians generally opposed to the presence of Masonic lodges in their communities–began leaving donuts on the door handles of local lodges, or the occasional pizza on the front steps. “It seemed like such a good idea at the time,” said Bro. Newton. “I mean, there ain’t that many temples or synagogues ‘round here, so the local fundamentalists–or ‘fundies,’ as we call ’em–were happy to spread the hate around since they don’t get much opportunity otherwise.”
“And obviously, cleaning up a box of donuts or scarfing down a pizza is much more fun than wiping down pig’s blood,” agreed Bro. Johnson. “We had no idea that it was going to get so far out of hand.”
Both men are presumably facing disciplinary hearings from their lodge, although spokespersons could not confirm that anyone was particularly upset by their actions. “After the past few months, we’re about sick of the donuts,” said Lloyd Wayne Garrison, the lodge secretary. “We’ve been donating them to the local police station.”
Suspicions that the lodge brothers are trying to spread rumors that Freemasons are against barbecued chicken have gone unconfirmed.
— Conte Calvino Gliostro