Pyongyang, DPRK – On Wednesday, the Korean Central News Agency (KNCA) announced that Kim Jong Un, the supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), had officially declared his intention to create the first ever Masonic body in the country. Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un was quoted as saying: “Greetings to the great people of the mighty and magnificent Korea. Today we stand together, as workers, working together to defeat those that oppress us and our families. We are the builders of this great, powerful, mighty, and magnificent nation! It is only fitting that we remember those great builders that went before us, the Masons of old. To do this, we are creating the Very Much To Be Worshiped Democratic People’s Grand Lodge (DPGL), to aid us as we continue to live in this, the greatest, most mightiest and magnificent nation!”
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The KNCA further explained the rich and glorious history of Masonry that existed within the DPRK: “As all true followers of the Wonderful Dear Virtuous Supreme Leader know, Freestone Masonry [sic] began in this great, glorious, virtuous nation. Freestone Masonry’s first Most To Be Worshiped Supreme Grand Master was our beloved ancestor King Dongmyeong of Goguryeo. He passed down the ancient mysteries of Freestone Masonry for generations until they were buried by time. It was only after the recent discovery of the great and mighty unicorn lair by the Academy of Social Sciences that we rediscovered our Freestone Masonry history. Buried inside the great lair were tools and stones, carved by the beloved ancestral King Dongmyeong himself, explaining the great mysteries. These mysteries now belong to the people.”
The KNCA further reported that the self-installed Most Very Much To Be Worshiped Grand Master and Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un took inspiration on how to govern the new Masonic body from an unlikely muse: an unnamed North American grand lodge. Reaching out through the Embassy of Sweden, MVMTBWGM Kim Jong Un was impressed by this grand lodge’s ability to repress independent thought, stamp out immoral behavior, and censor those arrogant enough oppose the grand lodge’s supreme, albeit antiquated and arbitrary, rules. The supreme leader was reportedly most impressed with how the grand lodge in question handled a very recent case of member cohabitation and insubordination. Kim Jong Un pledged his support of this governing Masonic body, stating: “We have looked out across the vast oceans at Freestone Mason lodges at nations near and far. Through the embassy in Sweden, we have reached out to this ‘Great Liberator of Troubled Nations,’ a beacon shining amid the wretched United States, to assist them in bringing morality and retaining order. As a sign of our support, we will be sending them recordings of our Most Very Much To Be Worshiped Democratic People’s Grand Lodge ‘re-education’ materials to help them in their journey.”
We may never know to what specific grand lodge body the supreme leader’s title of “Great Liberator of Troubled Nations” (GLoTN) refers. While the DPRK arguably remains among the most closed-minded, repressive societies in the world at present, perhaps mutual autocratic rule can serve as a unifying factor to strengthen relations between our two nations.