Hackensack, NJ — The United States Chamber of Freemasonry, a non-profit Masonic research group based in Washington, D.C., has released a report encouraging local lodges to recruit Bernie Sanders supporters, the so-called “BernieBros.” The report notes that Bernie Sanders supporters have a great affinity for older, out of touch men, a strongly held belief that an imagined, unlived past was better than today, and an almost unmatched desire to spend money without any expectations to receive anything realistic in return.
“When a demographic like this makes so much noise, we just can’t ignore it, no matter how hard we have tried,” stated Samuel Adamson, “We are certainly aware that they [BernieBros] are avowed socialists but we can’t deny their age and ability to spend hundreds of dollars on something they will get virtually nothing out of in return. Imagine how stupendous our buildings can become if we redirect that money to us. In addition, Senator Sanders uses the exact same speech at every rally to the point that his supporters can quote it verbatim, which seems to suggest their ability to memorize our work with ease. Most importantly, however, they are obsessed with an imaginary past, completely devoid of any historical accuracy, just like most Freemasons. They are the future of the Fraternity.”
The US Chamber of Freemasonry, although very supportive of BernieBros, also noted its intention to recruit Trump supporters.
“Sadly, like the Ron Paul train before it, the Bernie Sanders one is rapidly running out of steam but we think the Trump one still has a lot more track to run. The amount of revenue we can produce off of their desire to donate is unmatched. They are angry and annoyed and say extremely inappropriate things; in essence, they are past masters.”
The US Chamber has made available a kit for lodges which will include a new 1980s era “Make America Great Again” ballcap to replace the top hat, a copy of the Art of the Deal, to be placed on the altar, and a pet sparrow for the Master’s podium. The US Chamber of Freemasonry has also encouraged, in lieu of complex marketing schemes and focus groups, to instead use one of two hashtag campaigns, #MakeFreemasonryGreatAgain and #SandersIsMyGAOTU.
When asked why Hillary and Kasich supporters were not also included, Adamson responded, “Clinton and Kasich supporters tend to be pragmatists and realists. That would just not fit in our model of overhyping an average, or below average, product. That’s just not Freemasonry as we know it.”
– The Honorable Reginald Farquar, XVI°