Salt Lake City, UT – On Monday morning, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints formally announced its intent to petition the Grand Lodge of Utah for inclusion as an officially recognized Masonic appendant body within the grand jurisdiction. In a statement made on the steps outside of the church’s largest temple, Salt Lake Temple, Elder Joe Smythe explained the church’s rationale behind this historic move toward inclusion. “The move comes on the heels of months of in-depth research into the history of both our own church and the organization known as Freemasonry. It came to our attention several months ago that the Church and Freemasonry share similar grips, words, underwear, and other modes of recognition. Naturally, we launched a comprehensive investigation immediately. Given overwhelming evidence, we can now conclude that both organizations were divinely—albeit separately—inspired. It is only natural that we seek to make our disparate bodies whole, as God intended.”
When asked about the church’s long-term goals for Masonic integration, Elder Joe explained that recognition in Utah was only the beginning: “Of course we want to make this change at a global scale. We see the LDS Church fitting in very well in the York Rite chain of appendant bodies, and we will be contacting the Grand Encampment of Knights Templar to explore this further. As the Book of Mormon is the natural capstone to the Christian Bible, so should the LDS Church be the capstone to the ‘Christian’ branch of Freemasonry.” However, Elder Joe added that the inclusion of the LDS Church in the York Rite would necessitate some changes in practices on the part of the GEKT: “Naturally, any man who wants to join the LDS Church as a Masonic appendant body must go through the Knights Templar orders first — provided the GEKT stops serving wine during the Order of the Temple. We simply can’t budge on that one.”
Elder Joe appeared unfazed when he was questioned on the possibility of the shared organizational modes of recognition arising due to Joseph Smith’s affiliation with Freemasonry prior to founding the Church. “That makes complete sense!” Elder Joe exclaimed, “Naturally, Brother Joseph imparted his secrets to Freemasonry in its infancy, ensuring the two organizations would carry on his divine inspiration!”
This writer of The Past Bastard remains cautiously optimistic about the ability of the LDS Church to provide a substantial contributions to Freemasonry as a whole. In fact, if the church ever re-institutes the doctrine of polygamy or practice of plural marriage, it might very well singlehandedly bring women’s bodies and youth organizations back from the brink of extinction.
The Grand Lodge of Utah did not immediately return calls requesting comment.
-SK Bro. Mason Burhmaster